I am not praying today. I can't. I think about it. I try, but then I end up with a "screw it, today sucks."

(How is that for "messing things up" Chris?)

Here I am, trying to focus my life on God and I am too tired, too empty. All I can do is sit. Everything is quiet within me. Day 3 of the squabble has sapped the last from me. I am tired of crying. I cannot apologize more. I am done. It is not in my hands anymore. (Was it ever?)

So I sit. I listen to the emptiness. I feel the broken edges. I cannot make a move toward God. I am utterly reliant on Him to care, to redeem, to forgive. There is no bargain, no dance, no joy, no sunshine. The storm has stopped raging, but it is not over. Not in my heart. I embrace him because He told me to. I cry because I cannot prevent it.

Maybe tomorrow the sun will come out.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Hey we both had meltdowns this week. I guess we can have as many melt downs as we want. To walk away from God, to not pray and just do it our way.

It is much less painful and uses so much less energy to realize how much more pain we are in BECAUSE we made that choice.

Trying to stay awake to those basic's. Pray ..pray ...pray

Tis a choice to do it in peace with God or alone in agony.

Still here with you Jaime.

((hug))
Chris
November 22, 2008 at 9:08 PM
Me said…
I don't think I walked away from God, I just couldn't express myself except that "life sucks." He can't get rid of me that easy!

Word verification throu:

If He brings you to it, He'll bring you throu it...LOL
November 23, 2008 at 7:01 AM
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