Grace-period

It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly And yet when You look at me, You don't see a wretch You see a reflection of something beautiful ~Something Beautiful from Todd Agnew's CD Reflections of Something I really love this song because, in it, God reminds me how much my perspective is distorted, like a fun house mirror. I have no idea what I am really seeing. I have no idea how to focus my vision. For me, the truest sense of who I am is found in who God thinks I am. I forget that,too often. Reverting back to some primal survivalist mode, I fight and manipulate and hoard because of deep fears. Not so amazingly, I have been writing on the 6th and 7th steps for the last year. I am so sick of these defects, these places where sin comes so easily. I want to be the person God sees in me, a person God can use. In fact, that is all I want. Maybe some day I will see it, too.

"He is very fond of the word grace, and with grace itself he is altogether enamored." ~~ Charles Spurgeon in GRACE God's Unmerited Favor I burst into laughter when I read that line. I had never read him before and I had really only heard of him in passing so when I googled him later, I was surprised to see he lived from 1834-1892. Silly as it is, I am so in love with grace. I know I must trust God's mercy and He has not withheld it from me. Grace is just amazing to me. I saw this shirt that said-"I am the wretch the song talks about." That's me! I named this blog "Grace Period" because I had never thought I would live past 26. Probably in many ways I wanted to not live past 26. I was hopeless and empty and lost. My spirit was dead. One day, after having worked to change my life, I was sharing about the changes and it occurred to me that I was past 26. For the first time in my life, I felt so blessed about being alive. I had made ...

A discussion among friends the other night made me think about royalty and if we have lost a sense of that in regards to God. I never understood the "fear" of God. I was afraid as a child-that God didn't like me, know me, or wouldn't want me. Although I do not advocate a "pocket protector" God as one said, or George Carlin's character advocating a "Buddy Jesus" (from movie Dogma ), I do not want to go back to a "I'm too holy for you" God. I know I am never going to be good enough to approach the throne of God by my own merits, but I also recognize that God did the unthinkable when He sought me, and you, out. To save us, to heal us, to love us, to bring us back to Him. That is not a standoffish, aloof God. That is a belly laugh, dance in the rain, bear hug God. It would be the God who wouldn't mind a weeping child getting snot on His royal shoulder. A God who experiences life with us, not in spite of us. A God who i...

It is a weird thing to think about. I am feeling really let down by this person. I am hurt. I am angry. I feel embarrassed like she has made a fool out of me. I think she is giving up too easily; if only she pushed thru some of this fear...she could make it! But she doesn't. She lies and hides instead. I am frustrated trying to reach out to her to find only shadows of who she really is. I don't even want to try anymore. Let her live in the rotting garbage she has piled around her. Let her cover her wounds with filthy rags. What is it to me? I am doing ok. I am taking care of me. I am active in relationships and life. I am in connection with my God....or am I? When I listened to this rambling going on in my brain I was immediately ashamed. God knows I have been in her shoes. It is painful and embarrassing to watch her hide and continue on the only path she thinks is really there. I have walked it and know how lonely it is. I know how biting the winds are and...

W hile walking at a nearby wildlife sanctuary, I came across this amazing "field" of American lotus. The lotus is a type of water lily that rises from muddy waters to blossom. I had heard of the lotus flower before, tho I did not know that America had any. Studying Buddhism when I was searching for God, I learned that the lotus was one of the auspicious symbols and referred to enlightenment or wisdom. Because the lotus comes out of the murky water to flower, it is also a sign of resurrection. When the flower is used in art, the more open the bloom, the more enlightened the figure would be. O f course I had to come home to search this stuff out but it is interesting when I look over the pictures I took and see all the closed or slightly open blooms. How often my spirit is like that. I sometimes just want to throw up my hands and tell Him to give up on me since I am so lost most of the time and feel that I could be useful to no one. But here, thru this adventure, I learn it is...

This woman I knew did all these interesting sort of one liners. I think this one sort of fits me today. I know that when "I" change so does my perspective and opinion of the world around me. That has been really hard lately, tho. I feel like I am surrounded by petty nonsense. Nothing feels certain. I am walking in darkness waiting for the next attack. ^^^^^^^ Here's the thing: I am not alone. Tho I may not be able to see where I am going or what the outcome will be, there is One who does. Tho my small life may not feel very secure right now, I can hold on confidently to my God. I can let the pettiness fall away. I can patiently wait on Him. It is a hard one, no doubt, but who told me any of this was to be easy? What I was told is that there is a Comforter, a Counselor, a Prince of Peace. I have been told that this physical world is a small part of the overall reality because there is a spiritual realm-not the other way around. I was told I am an alien in this land; it is...

This is my new nephew. He looks just like his 2nd sister. He will probably be spoiled by his mother and beat up by his sisters. Tho it sounds like the sisters are spoiling him so far. I was thinking how different my sister's life will be now that they have a boy. I was thanking God for the safe arrival and pondering the goodness we have experienced. *** But then the news came on and it was back to "reality" and how much negativity there is in this world. This bombing or this shooting or this loneliness and this confusion. It is all really the same. We are a lost people. *** Step 2-We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. *** It doesn't say we came to believe in that Power. It doesn't say that said Power would, if He were so inclined, restore us. What I read today is that thru our process/journey, we developed belief, an understanding, even if only an inkling, in a Something whose job/purpose it is to restore us to sanity....